Values Clarification Exercise

Values are who we are. Not who we would like to be, not who we think we should be, but who we are in our lives, right now. Another way to put it is that values represent our unique and individual essence, our ultimate and most fulfilling form of expressing and relating. Our values serve as a compass pointing out what it means to be true to oneself. When we honor our values on a regular and consistent basis, life is good and fulfilling.

With knowing values important life decisions are easier to make and outcomes are more fulfilling when the decisions are viewed through a matrix of well-understood personal values. However, the process of clarifying values is often difficult. It frequently makes people intellectualize and fantasize, whereas the preference is look into one’s life and uncover the values that are already there, the day-to-day actions and interactions. That’s one of the reasons selecting values from a list seldom works: the list becomes an opportunity to vote on the most desirable or socially acceptable values, rather than serving as a mechanism to identify who we are. Selecting values from a list reinforces the intellectual urge to figure it out and get the words right. Values are observable; they live in the world. Thus, people don’t benefit from picking their values from a list. The task is to view one’s life in such a way that values are revealed.

Sometimes people can’t seem to get a perspective on their values. Here coaching works well in such cases because the coach can ask questions and provide scenarios that take clients into their lives rather than into their heads. Values clarification coaching allows clients to examine and articulate their values in a safe yet courageous environment. The exact wording will matter to the client in the long run, but what is most important in the short run is that the approximate label for the value resonates with the client. As a practical matter for coaches, values clarification is enormously helpful in learning to know clients, and in helping clients know themselves. Coaches and clients use values to help facilitate fulfilling choices, to strategize appropriate actions, and to recognize situations in which values are an issue.

Many clients nevertheless struggle with finding the right words. They are constrained because they feel they have to find the perfect word and the value has much more emotional meaning than the definition of a single word allows. In fact, each individual has his or her own unique meaning for each value. We may have different meanings even though we use the same word. Earlier techniques were mentioned that can minimize vocabulary anxiety. The first tip is to use a pencil with an eraser. Clients often experience a sense of reluctance when values have to be written in ink. The coach can emphasize the advantages of using a pencil so the client realizes that it is not important to get it right the first time. The second tip when doing values clarification is to use several words together to form a string describing the value. Separating the words with slash marks makes the string easier to read. For example:

Integrity/Honesty/Walk-the-talk

Integrity/Whole/Congruent

Leadership/Empower/Collaborative

Leadership/Decisive/Powerful

When creating the values string, ask the client to place the most significant term at the beginning, such as “Integrity” and “Leadership” in the examples above. Point out that it may take several months to come up with a fairly complete list of values. Since values show up over time in our lives, it is unlikely that we will be able to capture them accurately and completely in one sitting. Values that are fully defined and elaborated on become a powerful tool in pointing clients toward fulfilling choices as they approach a major crossroads or get off track. The coach facilitates the process of identifying values by proposing various scenarios to the client. The following scenarios will give you a place to start. Experiment with these and continue to explore other methods for allowing clients to see their values.

A Peak Moment in Time

Ask the client to identify special, peak moments when life was especially rewarding or poignant. It’s important that the time frame be quite limited—a “moment”—or there will be too much in the experience to allow the client to pinpoint specific values. When the client has a specific moment in mind, start probing: “What was happening?” “Who was present and what was going on?” “What were the values that were being honored in that moment?” Acknowledge what you are hearing and keep probing, periodically testing words to see what values resonate for this client. “That sounds important.” “Is there a value of accomplishment or achievement in that experience?” or “You light up when you describe that day. It sounds like you were honoring a value around nature and a value of connection. Does that sound right?” There will be a stronger response when the words ring true. Ask the client to expand on the first word. “What does ‘accomplishment’ mean to you?” “What words elaborate on your value of connection?” Keep looking at peak moments, seeking experiences the client found particularly rich and fulfilling.

Suppressed Values

Another way to isolate values is to go to the opposite extreme, looking at times when a client was angry, frustrated, or upset. This will often lead to identification of a value that was being suppressed. First, have the client name the feelings and circumstances around the upset; then flip it over and look for the opposite of those feelings. For example, the client might say, “I felt trapped, backed into a corner. I had no choices.” The coach might then say, “Trapped, cornered, without choice. If we flip that over, it sounds like there might be a value around freedom or options or choice. Does that sound right?” For the coach, it’s not so important that the vocabulary be right—it’s important that the words feel right to the client. To further illustrate, the coach might say, “So you felt frustrated when they kept spinning their wheels, doing the same thing over and over again? Is the other side of that a value for creativity or innovation?”

Many of us have created our lives in such a way that we automatically and easily honor many of our values without even being aware that we are doing so. Therefore we may not recognize them as values until something gets in the way. The key here is to point out to the client that every upset or moment of distress is likely to signal that a value is being suppressed.

Must-Haves

Another way for clients to identify their values is to look at what they must have in their lives. Try it yourself. Beyond the physical requirements of food, shelter, and community, what must you have in your life in order to be fulfilled? Must you have a form of creative self-expression? Must you have adventure and excitement in your life? Must you have partnership and collaboration? Must you be moving toward a sense of accomplishment or success or be surrounded with natural beauty? An underlying question for the process is What are the values you absolutely must honor—or part of you dies?

Obsessive Expression

We are all capable of obsessive behavior—insisting on honoring a value, inflating it into a demand rather than a form of self-expression. You’ve probably had an experience like this in your own life, such as when your roommate’s value of orderliness became an obsessive demand for perfection. Our friends and families often do us a service by pointing out the obsessive expression of our values: “You are so controlling!” “All you think about is your students.” “You want all the attention.” These statements might point toward a value of personal power/leadership, of learning/ growth, and of recognition/acknowledgment. Have your clients examine those times when they take certain values to the extreme. “What is it that people say about you? What do you say about yourself?” “What is it that people tease you about or that drives them crazy?” There are important values here that have mutated for some reason. Look for the value, and don’t focus on the mutation.

The Values-Based Decision Matrix

One of the most potent tools for making fulfilling life choices is the Values-Based Decision Matrix. This matrix is launched during the initial values clarification process. (Please note that the listing of values may take several months to complete.) After you and the client have brainstormed a list of values, ask the client to rank the top ten values in priority order. Then ask the client to score his or her sense of satisfaction—the degree to which he or she is honoring each value—using a scale of 0 to 10. Most clients find this exercise very revealing, and they are often shocked at what they learn about themselves. Generally, the coach pays particular attention when a client indicates that a score is below 7. This is a likely place for coaching, since low scores mean the client might be putting up with an intolerable situation.

The coach may want to revisit this process from time to time to keep the client grounded in his or her sense of self. Over the years, we have noted that when things are going particularly well in a client’s life, the scores typically are high. When the client is struggling or is at a low point, the values matrix can help determine where corrective action is needed. When a client is facing a major decision, such as whether to make a job change or start a new business, or even to have a child, the Values-Based Decision Matrix can be particularly revealing. Ask the client to score his or her values today. Next, ask the client to project out two months, a year, or sometime in the future: “Imagine that you did make the change. Anticipate and write down what your scores would be if you did. Next, imagine that you did not make the change and record those scores.” This exercise will provide the client with useful insight about making a fulfilling choice.

There’s so much talk out there today about being positive that people forget that being sad and despondent is okay and a part of life. Modern society has glossed over and hidden a lot of what used to be dealt with upfront; for example, the dying did so at home while the family gathered around supporting and caring, not leaving the final rite of passage to a disconnected staff at some foreign location with just a job to do.

But how do you handle difficult times? Finding out how to do so is certainly a critical part of everyone’s life-education or soft skills that few if any ever even begin to understand never mind master. An oft neglected skill that all cannot afford to go without.

So you’ve been doing everything in your power over an extended period of time to find a job, get your business off the ground, get that lost child back on track, or to aid a dying relative but you just can’t go on, so what do you do? Here’s some suggestions:

1. First, stop struggling. Yes, give up and let go. If you just keep forging ahead, at a certain point you’re just spinning your wheels. You need to stop, take a break, take some time off, get away or whatever you feel is necessary but you do need to first and foremost stop.’ Since you’re not getting anywhere, you certainly need to forge a new perspective or understanding or at least rest for a while. Also, how do you expect to get any help if you keep flapping about? There could be rescue or relief just out of reach that can give you a hand, maybe even save your life.

2. Second, get quiet. Of course, just like stopping during times of struggle, getting quite is just as challenging. But it is strictly at these times when it is most important to listen for a solution. In one case, a woman struggling with her child’s medical problem just couldn’t find help anywhere: family, friends, counselors, or physicians. So she turned to her non-judgmental paper and pen and turned to her wisdom within. She said that it was the only place she was able to find the insight and solution to her problem. But the key is that she remained calm enough to seek a solution. Once again, tough to do, but the point is that you don’t have a choice.

3. Third, get it out. At some point you’re just going to have to let it out: a good shout, scream, cry, kick, whatever you need. Just make sure the kids aren’t home and the neighbor’s don’t overhear the commotion and call the cops. You’ll probably need to vent, but don’t let it go too far. At some point the venting merely turns on itself and feeds the misery. Get it out and then let it pass. As the old saying goes, for every dark cloud there’s a silver lining. We all have to go through trials, and the more you understand and go through them successfully the more you strengthen the spirit to overcome the weaker body / mind.

4. Fourth, keep it to yourself. Don’t go sharing your misery with every person who comes along. Best to keep it amongst an intimate few. Even the most giving people feel helpless and will attempt to avoid you more out of a sense of helplessness than merely to avoid seeing you suffer.

5. Fifth, sit back and do nothing. It is critical at this juncture to allow the dust to settle. You’ve been struggling for so long putting forth a great effort without moving forward it has become critical to allow the solution to come to you. It’s there, you just have to listen. You’ve already practiced getting quiet; now is the time to use that quite to let the solution come to you. You will never find it railing against the ‘bad spirits’ who put you there, so allowing the calm to filter in enables intuitive understanding and insight or solution’s only wellspring to flow forth-that which comes from the inner you. In forcing yourself to calm, you strengthen the spirit while at the same time calling forth understanding, solution, and perspective to come from that same source. If you go long and deep enough, you will find not only clarity but the energy and determination to act, to act in a direction previously not seen amongst the tumult of your initial anguish.

Now how do I come to this understanding? Not from books but hard-earned personal experience. I’ve overcome depression, hopelessness, anger, debilitating anxiety, severe shyness, cancer, near homelessness, several trying failed engagements, losing jobs on several occasions, moving from Boston to Los Angeles without a dime, family member or friend, and spending years trying to get a business going with little success. But I would have it no other way. What I’ve learned and the strength, insight, and ability to aid others in their time of need is priceless.

Everyone can love those who love them, but to love those who despise and use that takes character. Just like everyone knows how to thrive in good times, but during difficult times she who has substance floats to the top passing those merely surviving on image. You need the tough times to prove the spirit to let it strengthen you as it triumphs over the weaker body / mind.

Here’s to your greater depth and strength of character as you build the most successful you. Here’s to your success.

But as you work hard and often, how much is too much? And in doing too much, do you really gain greater opportunity or lose ground?

Sometimes, in our enthusiasm to achieve-maybe even enthusiasm to please-we overdo it and ruin  rather than encourage opportunity. Case in point:

Author of Thick Face Black Heat, the Warrior Philosophy for Conquering the Challenges of Business and Life, Chin-ning Chu  speaks of her desire to get a book to print at one point in the text. In meeting the deadline of Feb 15, 1991 she pushed her publisher and herself to the limit. The result? Because all of the media attention was on Desert Storm her book disappeared in the war’s media maelstrom. Chu believes that if she had not rushed, if she had stayed on a steady pace, her book would have been brought to light under much more favorable conditions. Because she did not listen well to her anxious heart, she misinterpreted a need for calm as one for greater action.

In learning, I have often found a point of saturation. I read a lot to obtain insight and knowledge as to greater understanding of the human condition outside of that which I gain from my limited perspective and experience. Infrequently as I seek and discover, I obtain a point where enough is enough. At this point I discover that I have the insight I need for my message, my anxiety to discontinue inquiry a demarcation point of discontinuance.

Sometimes as we seek to achieve we ignore the message our anxiety is attempting to convey. Instead of doing less and accepting conditions we do more and feed the anxiety even moving ourselves to failure. But even in times of failure, we are often better off accepting it than wasting time and effort by pushing to do more to right an alleged wrong.

On several occasions in my attempt to achieve greater prosperity, I’ve chosen a particular path. For example, I’ve taken a job that I thought would tide me over until I was able to move laterally into a position that would allow greater upward mobility. Yet while in this situation, I have been fired from several jobs, often due to no fault of my own. Each time as I’ve remained calm and accepting, I’ve moved into greater opportunities than those I anticipated following my preconceived or more forced, unnatural plan.

Sometimes we do too much out of lack of control, but even through the greatest preparation in regards to success in business and life we can never know it all; there is a point where we must simply trust in the fates.

“Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a fish.”– Ovid

And one must certainly push oneself to find the limits in ourselves, our plans, and life. For it is only in the doing, in having faith that all will ultimately work out that we stretch our intuitive muscle to learn of that which cannot be found in books but only in experience.

“Of course we all have our limits, but how can you possibly find your boundaries unless you explore as far and as wide as you possibly can? I would rather fail in an attempt at something new and uncharted than safely succeed in a repeat of something I have done.”– A.E. Hotchner

Ultimately, success is part tangible, part intangible. The tangible is what which we consciously do in an effort to achieve. The intangible is what we listen for and feel along the way as we adjust for greater if not greatest success.

“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become.”– Jim Rohn

“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.”– Bill Cosby

Here’s to your success.

• How to eliminate that most devastating handicap — self doubt
• How to free yourself from worry, stress and resentment
• How to climb above problems to visualize solutions and then attain them
• Simple prayerful exercises that you can do every day, throughout the day, to reinforce your new-found habit of happiness

Now, it’s certainly fine to think positively to focus on positive thoughts. And you do want to overcome the devastation of feeding into anger, fear, and worry. And it certainly is fine to hold onto a “mental picture of yourself as a success” to “practice happy thinking” even every morning to “let pictures of each happy experience you expect to have that day, pass across your mind [to] savor their joy [so that] such thoughts will cause events to turn out that way.”

But unfortunately, there’s a downside to all this happiness.

In recent years, the power of positive thinking has gotten so out of control that if you think negatively or experience negative thoughts you are at fault, need to repent, and avoid ever doing so again. But I’ll let you in on a secret negative thinkers, those advocating positive thoughts are not always positive. They too experience doubt, disappointment, anguish, and pain.

So what’s a poor negative thinker to do?

Well, first of all, let’s take a look at reality.

There is a difference between being positive and negative when dealing with reality. Sure, on the one hand in the long run, you want to be an upbeat and can-do person. But on the other hand, you don’t want to be a perpetual downbeat, can’t-do person. However, if you are generally a positive person and you begin to inordinately experience doubt, fear, worry, anguish and so forth, it’s for a reason. And you need to stop, examine your circumstances and figure out why all this negative stuff is happening and not just block it out with positive thoughts.

What if you are in a job or career that is in dire need of change?

What if you are in a relationship that is falling apart and you need to address the negative issues?

What if you are confronting an individual on a daily basis who is brining you down?

And, more importantly, what if there are deep-seated issues that have been in your psyche since childhood that need to be looked at in detail, confronted, examined, and addressed? It would certainly be foolish to try to just think positive thoughts to overcome here.

Sometimes, being too positive or overly optimistic can be problematic. What if you are a CEO, physician, or general in the field of battle who must deal with the reality of the negative or not so favorable facts? Should the CEO ignore the negative financial reports coming in with positive thoughts? The doctor with a patient who has a life-threatening illness with positive thoughts? The general in the field who is outnumbered with positive thoughts?

OK, not many may be CEO’s, doctors, or generals in the battlefield, but you see my point. However, it is also critical to not avoid those everyday negatives that arise: jealousy, anger, spite, fear, remorse, doubt, hatred, shame, worry, delusion, and so on. Even the generally positive person will have such emotions arise on occasion. And that’s OK. They are there for a reason, warning signals that must be addressed not ignored or glossed over with positive mantras.

At times, self-examination alone is not enough to fix some of the negatives. Depending on the complexity and depth of the issue, you may have to go to a professional. But for lesser issues, and for those who have had some training in doing so, self-examination is enough. For instance, if you are a normally emotionally healthy person and you find yourself all of a sudden becoming jealous of someone’s success, maybe it’s merely a signal that it’s time for a change in your life. Maybe you need to obtain some of that success for yourself.

Now some in the field of motivation and success advocate positive thinking like it’s the only avenue to success. And, sure, you would probably prefer to be a bright, shiny, positive thinker than a dull, downcast, negative one. But you certainly shouldn’t put your work toward success on hold until you become the paragon of positive thinking.

And who knows? maybe you’ll never get rid of the negative? Lincoln didn’t. Here’s a man who often suffered extreme bouts with depression and a fascination with death. But he still achieved within his “negativity.”

And who’s to say negativity is not of an arbitrary nature? For in the United States, someone who is a pushy, get ‘er done, go getter is generally looked at in a positive light. But if you put that same person in certain countries in Asia such actions would be looked at as highly undesirable, maybe even negative.

And who knows? Maybe the reason your negative is that you’re just uninspired and it’s time for change and continued growth. Hell, if you had reached this point and thought “Gee, I’m negative, I’ve got to think happy thoughts” then this would not be considered positive thinking but insanity. It’s not negativity but uninspiring goals that are your problem.

The bottom line here is that being negative is not a death sentence nor is being positive an indicator that all is well. It’s best to be somewhere in between, a realist, and to take an honest look at what is causing you distress or, for that matter, what is causing you happiness and joy. An active, examining, honest mind is your best tool to success and not worrying too much one way or the other how much more positive or negative you “need to be” according to somone’s arbitrary standard.

Here’s to your success.

First, to set the stage, let’s start by saying that most believe education to be critical. Education here meaning high school since it is compulsory and everyone is required to attend. But specifically the content of the “education” spoken to by the majority is quite different from what is essential to survive in today’s competitive world. (More on this later.) Nevertheless, the popular content of the general high school curriculum those in the media, political and public arenas speak of entails arithmetic, science, language, phys ed, history, and English.

And most have been conditioned to believe that this type of education is necessary or critical or that a child without a high school education and, in most cases today, a college education limits the average child’s chance for success in the job market. And this is true to a degree but less so than most believe. But to continue our definition, it should be pointed out here that education gained usually translates to “job,” meaning that the belief is that high school and / or college are preparing the student for her life’s work. But this is not true and our youth are being shortchanged. For after twelve maybe sixteen years of education, then what? Education stops because institutional education is complete?

Today such thinking is disastrous, for with the opening of the global job market and greater competition–therefore the greater creative destruction of capitalism–one needs to be on the ball and constantly updating skills, even deleting and re-learning new skills, a situation that requires less of educational standards and a greater understanding of the critical need for developing one’s self-education skills that readies one for the great changes ahead–not only numerous jobs but careers that are sure to come. Never before has it been more critical for students and workers to understand the need to keep one’s skills, attitudes, and knowledge in tip-top shape, up to date and forever expanding.

And of course, as I’ve mentioned before numerous times-but bears repeating-high school grads and even college grads are lacking fundamental skills, knowledge, and attitudes that are more critical today than ever before: self-educating skills (as mentioned), critical and intuitive thinking, financial IQ, honesty, integrity, work ethic, success principles (upwards of 64 of them!), ability to work well with others, public speaking / leadership skills, and so much more.

Why are these intangibles, these often over looked skills, knowledge, and attitudes so important? Well, it is just the foundation of these very intangibles-which are rarely addressed in education-that will keep the average graduate on solid footing in regards to the many career changes guaranteed to come. After all this is, as Allen Greenspan states, the age of turbulence. The new grad must be adaptive, focused, work ready, and basically a company of one, ready and able to adapt as change occurs on the job, in the world national and international, and in ever changing career shifts. How market ready are you? How valuable and adaptive are your insights, skills, and attitudes? No longer can one rely on just one degree, skill, or job to see them through to retirement and its pension (by the way, pensions will have nearly evaporated by the time those who are just entering the work force have retired if current trends continue–they already are weakened and dissappearing).

This now brings us to the current state of education and belief that a standard high school education is necessary. Let’s bear down on the point at hand.

We often hear that schools are doing poorly or doing well in regards to testing and grades in the standard disciplines mentioned above–math, science, English, etc.. And it is generally taken for granted that we need these courses and that our children will benefit by taking them. However, how do we know this? What tangible evidence, research and verification tells us that what our children study is benefiting them five, ten, twenty years down the road?

As far as I know, there is none. To ensure that an education is critical it first must have value for the consumer, for if it holds none its hold on the consumer will be short lived. If we looked at the truth, we will find that not only are most not using that which they’ve learned in school and even college but they have little to no desire to retain it in the first place. Here are a few direct quotes from current and former students of mine.

“Got labs today. Can’t wait to purge this junk once the test is over.”

“Dude, that class is a joke. Do what we all do. Get the grade, dump the junk, and get on with your life.”

“Whoever thought we needed half this crap [knowledge gained from classes taken] should be shot, run over, then shot again.”

Some of these statements I’ve overheard or seen posted on various social media. (I’ve left out  the numerous comments that have an “R” rating or higher.) The point being that there’s a lot of precious “knowledge” out there that has little value for many in high school and college.

Why is this allowed to happen in the first place?

Well, most education is not for profit, meaning that if it were there would be a lot of asking of the customer what she likes and doesn’t like, as well as what is useful and not useful to not only retain  customers but to encourage them to come back. There’s little if any of that concern in education at any level. For emphasis, just consider where you get optimum service, at the DMV, US Post Office, or INS? Or maybe more so at Blockbusters, Wells Fargo, or Vons Supermarket? Yes, where the customer is king, in the private sector.

Most education is run by states and, therefore, talked about by those governing the country–those with short-term agendas to get elected or re-elected–not with the long-term picture in mind. And this bears out the point that most have little interest in or concern for what happens to grads after they’re gone and whether or not what they’ve studied is needed or necessary. Even schools and colleges are guilty of this offense. Have you ever been approached by your school or college with a survey to discern your consumer satisfaction? Then my question is, how do they have any idea that what they are doing is right? Good? Of merit or quality? Of need, even?
On top of it all, students attending school and college and their parents just take it for granted that authorities and governing bodies (regional accreditors that are academically oriented and not tied into the realities of the private sector) have selected curriculum that is appropriate for ever child’s needs, a ridiculous proposal at best. Does anyone ever question what they or their child is taking in school and / or college and how it specifically applies to them, their abilities, talents, character, skills, and desires? Trusting so much in governing bodies that do little to no checking to see if that which they are requiring students in schools and college is beneficial years later? If private companies were run like this they’d be out of business quicker than you could say “failed thinking.”

It is critical today more than ever before that consumers-students-understand thoroughly not only what education means, and its limitations, but what they need to ensure success not only in the workforce, but in their families, society, and spiritual life. There is so much that so many are missing out on with the current state of the education nation. It is in a sad state indeed and only its privatization or the seeking of a proper, thorough and adequate education by individuals in the know of what is needed will truly reform education. As consumers of education, we certainly need to be better trained in what we are receiving, what we need, and how to go about getting it.