Values Clarification Exercise

Values are who we are. Not who we would like to be, not who we think we should be, but who we are in our lives, right now. Another way to put it is that values represent our unique and individual essence, our ultimate and most fulfilling form of expressing and relating. Our values serve as a compass pointing out what it means to be true to oneself. When we honor our values on a regular and consistent basis, life is good and fulfilling.

With knowing values important life decisions are easier to make and outcomes are more fulfilling when the decisions are viewed through a matrix of well-understood personal values. However, the process of clarifying values is often difficult. It frequently makes people intellectualize and fantasize, whereas the preference is look into one’s life and uncover the values that are already there, the day-to-day actions and interactions. That’s one of the reasons selecting values from a list seldom works: the list becomes an opportunity to vote on the most desirable or socially acceptable values, rather than serving as a mechanism to identify who we are. Selecting values from a list reinforces the intellectual urge to figure it out and get the words right. Values are observable; they live in the world. Thus, people don’t benefit from picking their values from a list. The task is to view one’s life in such a way that values are revealed.

Sometimes people can’t seem to get a perspective on their values. Here coaching works well in such cases because the coach can ask questions and provide scenarios that take clients into their lives rather than into their heads. Values clarification coaching allows clients to examine and articulate their values in a safe yet courageous environment. The exact wording will matter to the client in the long run, but what is most important in the short run is that the approximate label for the value resonates with the client. As a practical matter for coaches, values clarification is enormously helpful in learning to know clients, and in helping clients know themselves. Coaches and clients use values to help facilitate fulfilling choices, to strategize appropriate actions, and to recognize situations in which values are an issue.

Many clients nevertheless struggle with finding the right words. They are constrained because they feel they have to find the perfect word and the value has much more emotional meaning than the definition of a single word allows. In fact, each individual has his or her own unique meaning for each value. We may have different meanings even though we use the same word. Earlier techniques were mentioned that can minimize vocabulary anxiety. The first tip is to use a pencil with an eraser. Clients often experience a sense of reluctance when values have to be written in ink. The coach can emphasize the advantages of using a pencil so the client realizes that it is not important to get it right the first time. The second tip when doing values clarification is to use several words together to form a string describing the value. Separating the words with slash marks makes the string easier to read. For example:

Integrity/Honesty/Walk-the-talk

Integrity/Whole/Congruent

Leadership/Empower/Collaborative

Leadership/Decisive/Powerful

When creating the values string, ask the client to place the most significant term at the beginning, such as “Integrity” and “Leadership” in the examples above. Point out that it may take several months to come up with a fairly complete list of values. Since values show up over time in our lives, it is unlikely that we will be able to capture them accurately and completely in one sitting. Values that are fully defined and elaborated on become a powerful tool in pointing clients toward fulfilling choices as they approach a major crossroads or get off track. The coach facilitates the process of identifying values by proposing various scenarios to the client. The following scenarios will give you a place to start. Experiment with these and continue to explore other methods for allowing clients to see their values.

A Peak Moment in Time

Ask the client to identify special, peak moments when life was especially rewarding or poignant. It’s important that the time frame be quite limited—a “moment”—or there will be too much in the experience to allow the client to pinpoint specific values. When the client has a specific moment in mind, start probing: “What was happening?” “Who was present and what was going on?” “What were the values that were being honored in that moment?” Acknowledge what you are hearing and keep probing, periodically testing words to see what values resonate for this client. “That sounds important.” “Is there a value of accomplishment or achievement in that experience?” or “You light up when you describe that day. It sounds like you were honoring a value around nature and a value of connection. Does that sound right?” There will be a stronger response when the words ring true. Ask the client to expand on the first word. “What does ‘accomplishment’ mean to you?” “What words elaborate on your value of connection?” Keep looking at peak moments, seeking experiences the client found particularly rich and fulfilling.

Suppressed Values

Another way to isolate values is to go to the opposite extreme, looking at times when a client was angry, frustrated, or upset. This will often lead to identification of a value that was being suppressed. First, have the client name the feelings and circumstances around the upset; then flip it over and look for the opposite of those feelings. For example, the client might say, “I felt trapped, backed into a corner. I had no choices.” The coach might then say, “Trapped, cornered, without choice. If we flip that over, it sounds like there might be a value around freedom or options or choice. Does that sound right?” For the coach, it’s not so important that the vocabulary be right—it’s important that the words feel right to the client. To further illustrate, the coach might say, “So you felt frustrated when they kept spinning their wheels, doing the same thing over and over again? Is the other side of that a value for creativity or innovation?”

Many of us have created our lives in such a way that we automatically and easily honor many of our values without even being aware that we are doing so. Therefore we may not recognize them as values until something gets in the way. The key here is to point out to the client that every upset or moment of distress is likely to signal that a value is being suppressed.

Must-Haves

Another way for clients to identify their values is to look at what they must have in their lives. Try it yourself. Beyond the physical requirements of food, shelter, and community, what must you have in your life in order to be fulfilled? Must you have a form of creative self-expression? Must you have adventure and excitement in your life? Must you have partnership and collaboration? Must you be moving toward a sense of accomplishment or success or be surrounded with natural beauty? An underlying question for the process is What are the values you absolutely must honor—or part of you dies?

Obsessive Expression

We are all capable of obsessive behavior—insisting on honoring a value, inflating it into a demand rather than a form of self-expression. You’ve probably had an experience like this in your own life, such as when your roommate’s value of orderliness became an obsessive demand for perfection. Our friends and families often do us a service by pointing out the obsessive expression of our values: “You are so controlling!” “All you think about is your students.” “You want all the attention.” These statements might point toward a value of personal power/leadership, of learning/ growth, and of recognition/acknowledgment. Have your clients examine those times when they take certain values to the extreme. “What is it that people say about you? What do you say about yourself?” “What is it that people tease you about or that drives them crazy?” There are important values here that have mutated for some reason. Look for the value, and don’t focus on the mutation.

The Values-Based Decision Matrix

One of the most potent tools for making fulfilling life choices is the Values-Based Decision Matrix. This matrix is launched during the initial values clarification process. (Please note that the listing of values may take several months to complete.) After you and the client have brainstormed a list of values, ask the client to rank the top ten values in priority order. Then ask the client to score his or her sense of satisfaction—the degree to which he or she is honoring each value—using a scale of 0 to 10. Most clients find this exercise very revealing, and they are often shocked at what they learn about themselves. Generally, the coach pays particular attention when a client indicates that a score is below 7. This is a likely place for coaching, since low scores mean the client might be putting up with an intolerable situation.

The coach may want to revisit this process from time to time to keep the client grounded in his or her sense of self. Over the years, we have noted that when things are going particularly well in a client’s life, the scores typically are high. When the client is struggling or is at a low point, the values matrix can help determine where corrective action is needed. When a client is facing a major decision, such as whether to make a job change or start a new business, or even to have a child, the Values-Based Decision Matrix can be particularly revealing. Ask the client to score his or her values today. Next, ask the client to project out two months, a year, or sometime in the future: “Imagine that you did make the change. Anticipate and write down what your scores would be if you did. Next, imagine that you did not make the change and record those scores.” This exercise will provide the client with useful insight about making a fulfilling choice.

First, to set the stage, let’s start by saying that most believe education to be critical. Education here meaning high school since it is compulsory and everyone is required to attend. But specifically the content of the “education” spoken to by the majority is quite different from what is essential to survive in today’s competitive world. (More on this later.) Nevertheless, the popular content of the general high school curriculum those in the media, political and public arenas speak of entails arithmetic, science, language, phys ed, history, and English.

And most have been conditioned to believe that this type of education is necessary or critical or that a child without a high school education and, in most cases today, a college education limits the average child’s chance for success in the job market. And this is true to a degree but less so than most believe. But to continue our definition, it should be pointed out here that education gained usually translates to “job,” meaning that the belief is that high school and / or college are preparing the student for her life’s work. But this is not true and our youth are being shortchanged. For after twelve maybe sixteen years of education, then what? Education stops because institutional education is complete?

Today such thinking is disastrous, for with the opening of the global job market and greater competition–therefore the greater creative destruction of capitalism–one needs to be on the ball and constantly updating skills, even deleting and re-learning new skills, a situation that requires less of educational standards and a greater understanding of the critical need for developing one’s self-education skills that readies one for the great changes ahead–not only numerous jobs but careers that are sure to come. Never before has it been more critical for students and workers to understand the need to keep one’s skills, attitudes, and knowledge in tip-top shape, up to date and forever expanding.

And of course, as I’ve mentioned before numerous times-but bears repeating-high school grads and even college grads are lacking fundamental skills, knowledge, and attitudes that are more critical today than ever before: self-educating skills (as mentioned), critical and intuitive thinking, financial IQ, honesty, integrity, work ethic, success principles (upwards of 64 of them!), ability to work well with others, public speaking / leadership skills, and so much more.

Why are these intangibles, these often over looked skills, knowledge, and attitudes so important? Well, it is just the foundation of these very intangibles-which are rarely addressed in education-that will keep the average graduate on solid footing in regards to the many career changes guaranteed to come. After all this is, as Allen Greenspan states, the age of turbulence. The new grad must be adaptive, focused, work ready, and basically a company of one, ready and able to adapt as change occurs on the job, in the world national and international, and in ever changing career shifts. How market ready are you? How valuable and adaptive are your insights, skills, and attitudes? No longer can one rely on just one degree, skill, or job to see them through to retirement and its pension (by the way, pensions will have nearly evaporated by the time those who are just entering the work force have retired if current trends continue–they already are weakened and dissappearing).

This now brings us to the current state of education and belief that a standard high school education is necessary. Let’s bear down on the point at hand.

We often hear that schools are doing poorly or doing well in regards to testing and grades in the standard disciplines mentioned above–math, science, English, etc.. And it is generally taken for granted that we need these courses and that our children will benefit by taking them. However, how do we know this? What tangible evidence, research and verification tells us that what our children study is benefiting them five, ten, twenty years down the road?

As far as I know, there is none. To ensure that an education is critical it first must have value for the consumer, for if it holds none its hold on the consumer will be short lived. If we looked at the truth, we will find that not only are most not using that which they’ve learned in school and even college but they have little to no desire to retain it in the first place. Here are a few direct quotes from current and former students of mine.

“Got labs today. Can’t wait to purge this junk once the test is over.”

“Dude, that class is a joke. Do what we all do. Get the grade, dump the junk, and get on with your life.”

“Whoever thought we needed half this crap [knowledge gained from classes taken] should be shot, run over, then shot again.”

Some of these statements I’ve overheard or seen posted on various social media. (I’ve left out  the numerous comments that have an “R” rating or higher.) The point being that there’s a lot of precious “knowledge” out there that has little value for many in high school and college.

Why is this allowed to happen in the first place?

Well, most education is not for profit, meaning that if it were there would be a lot of asking of the customer what she likes and doesn’t like, as well as what is useful and not useful to not only retain  customers but to encourage them to come back. There’s little if any of that concern in education at any level. For emphasis, just consider where you get optimum service, at the DMV, US Post Office, or INS? Or maybe more so at Blockbusters, Wells Fargo, or Vons Supermarket? Yes, where the customer is king, in the private sector.

Most education is run by states and, therefore, talked about by those governing the country–those with short-term agendas to get elected or re-elected–not with the long-term picture in mind. And this bears out the point that most have little interest in or concern for what happens to grads after they’re gone and whether or not what they’ve studied is needed or necessary. Even schools and colleges are guilty of this offense. Have you ever been approached by your school or college with a survey to discern your consumer satisfaction? Then my question is, how do they have any idea that what they are doing is right? Good? Of merit or quality? Of need, even?
On top of it all, students attending school and college and their parents just take it for granted that authorities and governing bodies (regional accreditors that are academically oriented and not tied into the realities of the private sector) have selected curriculum that is appropriate for ever child’s needs, a ridiculous proposal at best. Does anyone ever question what they or their child is taking in school and / or college and how it specifically applies to them, their abilities, talents, character, skills, and desires? Trusting so much in governing bodies that do little to no checking to see if that which they are requiring students in schools and college is beneficial years later? If private companies were run like this they’d be out of business quicker than you could say “failed thinking.”

It is critical today more than ever before that consumers-students-understand thoroughly not only what education means, and its limitations, but what they need to ensure success not only in the workforce, but in their families, society, and spiritual life. There is so much that so many are missing out on with the current state of the education nation. It is in a sad state indeed and only its privatization or the seeking of a proper, thorough and adequate education by individuals in the know of what is needed will truly reform education. As consumers of education, we certainly need to be better trained in what we are receiving, what we need, and how to go about getting it.

Second, once you find your strength-that thing you were put here to do-you must overcoming major debilitating weaknesses and shortcomings to maintain that strength, enabling you to provide the desired income and to work toward self-actualization.

These are two key points covered previously. Now you must do the most difficult thing: stick to you path by nurturing your goal(s) and vision.

You may not know exactly what you will do with your strength(s), but you must begin, and as you move along your chosen path, insight into how you will use your strength(s) will appear.

Let me explain more by giving an example.

Personally, about twelve years ago, I woke from a state of depression, boredom and financial loss to an understanding of what I must do to better not only my lot in life, but that of my family and all those I’d come in contact with who would benefit from my strength. At this point in time, I had worked numerous jobs and been in several occupations that were certainly instructive but not where I found the greatest satisfaction. But there is great satisfaction to be had in all of our lives. The only difference from individual to individual is the path, its length, and one’s learning experiences, but with proper effort and patience we can all get there. But back to the story.

After a period of weeks and months of meditation, writing, and contemplating, the message came through loud and clear, not just to my mind, but my entire being, that I should go back to school and write. I also knew sometime during this period of discovery that I’d teach at the college level, acquire a greater speaking / teaching presence, as well as greater knowledge and experience that would aid me in starting a coaching business. However, the particulars did not come until I moved along my path. The old adage shoot then aim comes into play here. Don’t wait too long or acquire paralysis of analysis before you get going.

I also knew that I would have to teach about six / seven years before beginning my coaching business. How did I know this? By focusing in on my goal and working it out in my mind on a regular basis as I sat in quiet contemplation writing, meditating, and even while taking walks focusing on it. For me, walking was key. While walking I have come up with ideas for not only my business but ideas for articles and entire books related to my coaching.

And an interesting thing happened as I move along this path. First and foremost, I knew by gut instinct that this was the right path. And as I followed it, at every turn-not some of the time or most of the time, but every single time-I was aided in accomplishing my goal. For example, while in college, if I didn’t have the assignment to hand in on time, inevitably the assignment would be cancelled, moved, or the teacher let me hand it in at a later date without penalty.

And while acquiring the necessary knowledge, skills, and attitude changes while teaching / lecturing needed to build my business, I was fortuitously moved by an invisible hand in exposing me to material (books, DVDs, people, documentaries, etc.) that specifically added to my education and experience that applied directly to my coaching business.

Even as I failed in my attempts to find income opportunities outside of teaching that would provide greater aid in building my business as I got close to that time (six years into teaching), the failures taught me great lessons, lessons that aided me in my ability to be a better, more insightful coach for my clients.

And as I look back now, almost every job I’ve had, every experience-if I took the time to recall and think them all through-would show themselves as instructive and of great worth in doing that which I now love to do. As I moved toward this, my ultimate destiny, I was learning. It has all culminated in doing that which I love most: teaching, speaking, inspiring, learning, researching, reading, and writing. Every single aspect of my being is used to optimum effect. Each thing that I love most I am using. My path has been long, difficult, and trying, but most importantly, instructive and useful for all that I am and all that I now do.

In order to get started along your path, you have to do a lot of thinking and contemplating, but as you do so, your idea will come. And don’t worry if it’s not too specific (actually less specific is better), for it is in the walking of the path that we find our answers. Just like writing is not about writing as it is about re-writing, it is in the doing that we find our answers as we move along the path.

And even if you aren’t in the perfect job it can instruct. There is great education in every success and failure. Your job is to keep your eyes open and learn. As you work, you will gain insight that will aid you later in life. Whether you are filing, answering phones, pushing paper, or making coffee, there are insights that you can learn along the way to your perfect job or career. But what you don’t want to do is look to that which doesn’t fulfill you but to that which instructs along the way to fulfillment. And as you work to the best of your ability, maintaining faith in your ultimate achievement, you will be guided. Your only job is to keep your mind and heart open for all lessons of import that will get you to where you want to be.

There is great work to be done, but only if you accept the challenge. But if you do, the rewards, power, excitement, and thrills of maximizing your potential-thus truly being able to see who you really are through the challenges you’ll face and overcome-are staggering in their brilliance.

There is no reason to do anything other than the great. We all have it in us. That greatness will vary from person to person in quality, depth, and size, but you owe it to yourself, loved ones, and all you will touch to discover what your path is. And to walk it with great courage, overcoming the fear of the body and mind with the strength of a nurtured and well-informed spirit that which you have built through your extensive time alone writing, contemplating, and meditating on the big things in life that are merely waiting your arrival with baited breath.

Here’s to your prosperity.